Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Gut Rider

In the summer of 2004 I embarked on what was to be an amazing journey. That journey is yet to be completed. I sat in a run down public library in Alturas, California and wrote this to my friends on the MTF.

Sunrise near Santa Rosalia, Baja California Sur

We make a lot of choices in life. Be it in business or personal life, the vast majority of the choices I make are predicated on what my "gut" tells me. My gut has served me well since as far back as I'm able to remember. If something doesn't feel right, I don't do it. I may fight it for a spell, but my gut always wins out.

I try not to dwell on the reasons why. Sometimes they're revealed to me. Other times they aren't - or at least not yet. I wonder if this is what happens when your life flashes before your eyes? I reckon it won't matter much at that point. Either God will reveal to me the magic and wonders of the universe or it won't matter because there isn't anything after this. If right here, right now is all there is, then I reckon my gut feel is just a survival instinct passed down through the millennia.

I can't believe that! My soul is honored and thankful to have this opportunity to breathe, laugh, smile and cry. I have to believe my soul will live on after the final breath and beat of this mortal life. I have to. What a cruel waste life would be otherwise.

Wandering north along the California coast the past few days I found myself in a bit of a quandary. Something has been churning in my gut since crossing the Mexican border causing me to wonder if heading any farther north is the right path for me. I've been dwelling on and stubbornly denying what my gut was telling me. I found myself pissed off at God for trying to steer me in a direction that wasn't mine only a few days prior. I wanted to know why, but I've learned that dwelling on these issues and waiting out an answer is a futile move and a downright waste of time and energy. We have bound our lives in the concept of time and success while God is only bound by eternity. Sometimes we must relinquish the control we foolishly think we have over our lives and release our thoughts and questions of God into the void and let the realm of all possibilities reveal the answers to us in a time frame that's convenient for eternity itself.

I woke up this morning intent on heading farther north into Oregon and Washington and stopping to ensure all my bills were paid and emails were answered before getting lost in the majesty that is the Great White North. Just north of Redding, California I got off the interstate to take a break and marvel at Mount Shasta coming to life in the morning sun. The sky was clear and provided a perfect blue canvas for the shiny snow-capped Shasta. It was a beautiful site to behold. I stayed there for a spell still in denial of what my gut was telling me. The sun lit up the mountain to an almost blinding point and at that moment I accepted the futility of my struggle. I succumbed and threw my questions into the void. I'm not sure if I'll get any answers, but it doesn't matter. For whatever reason, God has shown me the best decision and I'm now in a place of acceptance.

So I'm not heading to Hyder. I'm not heading to Alaska or the Maritimes. I'm going to spend some time in the desert southwest and head home in a couple of weeks. After all, that's what my gut is telling me. I don't know the reasons why - it's not up to me. I only know that my gut is the conduit to God and I have succumbed to the omnipotence of the universe. I'm a gut rider.

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